hard to believe i haven’t posted here since october until today… i think i’ve mentioned this, but it’s been increasingly hard for me to write here. it’s something i’d like to get back into in the new year – i really enjoy writing & sharing in this space, but the further i got from regular posting… the harder it felt to come back & really cover everything that was going on here. unfortunately, my need for completeness sometimes means it’s difficult to recap current things when other big stuff hasn’t been touched on yet, and then this little log languishes. my personal instagram has become a little more of a diary again, but i’ve spent a lot of time lining this little nest too – i don’t want to ignore it.
my life & circumstances changed more in 2015 – my 30th orbit around the sun – than perhaps any other year. some of the changes were large & external – the end of a long relationship, leaving north carolina & moving back to minnesota, living with my dad for the first time in many years, saying ‘goodbye for now’ to some wonderful people in the southeast, reconnecting with loved ones here in the twin cities & forging new connections, exploring my hometown again. others were purely emotional/mental & very personal, having made peace with a lot of old ghosts and feeling comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life (amongst other things).
i started taking a lot of self-portraits in the latter half of 2015. they aren’t about vanity – (now not-so-) secretly, this remains my concern – that they seem vapid, self-obsessed.
in the last few years, i started to feel like an empty vessel, like some kind of robot.
‘you think i’m a replicant, don’t you?’
even more than my other visual endeavors, experimenting with my self-presentation & playing with the augmentation/distortion of these little images has become a tool of discovery.
and even with that creeping fear of seeming tedious, vain or insipid, i don’t feel the need to justify the images, either. funny how that works. even in the images where i am alone, it’s such a different emotional landscape.
thank you for being a part of this difficult, wonderful year. i am so thankful for the many incredible people in my life who shape & enrich my everyday.
i have a lot about 2015 that i would like to revisit in the future, but for now, i’ll end on this note – went for an overdue visit to my postbox, where i was surprised to find many wonderful pieces of mail, including a mysterious package from a very dear longtime friend & his partner, with whom i’d reconnected with this year. (honestly, this was so significant, and one of the many wonderful moments of 2015!)
inside was my favourite EP by cocteau twins, ‘love’s easy tears’, which he knew i didn’t yet have on vinyl – as well as how important it was to me. (by the way, we met on a message board devoted to the band years & years ago – it’s one of the many things we share a deep mutual affection for, but foremostly, what brought us together in the first place!) i was so overwhelmed upon opening it – it was so unexpected, and so deeply significant!
you can’t make this stuff up, friends – on the way to the post office, i was thinking about what would be important to listen to on the last day of a year that was filled with pretty intense & dramatic change. this EP, especially ‘those eyes, that mouth’, was the only thing that really came to mind – forever a transitional / transformative group of songs for me, but in a different way than any other piece of cocteau twins’ back catalogue (which is really saying something). apparently this had been waiting for me at the post office for a little while, but of course i’d discover it today. sometimes your loved ones know just what you need, and not in the sense of possessions or a physical object, but something to deepen your connection (and it was just what i needed to hear today). what a gift, to be able to listen to this and feel so presently connected to a dear friend who lives far away. such a lovely way to close out this year… my heart is overflowing!